Time to buy a wheelbarrow

Whew - we can all relax now - our economic woes are coming to an end and the country will be awash with money. Soon we'll have more cash than we know what to do with. The nice chappies over at the Bank of England have put their thinking caps on and come up with a simple solution - they're going to print more money. We can all get back to being manic shoppers and forget all this caution and thrift that is making life so dull and boring.

If you're quick, you'll be able to snap up bargains on the car lot and buy cheap flights to Antigua. And if you're really quick and really lucky, while you're there you might spot the elusive Sir Allen Stanford in a helicopter and claim a juicy reward from the SEC. This will add some dollars to your collection of crisp new notes, hot of the printing presses.

Because you'll have more money than you'll know what to do with, you might decide to donate some of these dollars to Meg Whitman's campaign to be elected Governor of California. Who better to sort out the chronic finances of California, after all, than the former boss of eBay? She will be able to teach those silly Californian liberals a thing or two and help them sell their souls to the highest bidders.

I've got it all worked out. I've been down to Staples where I got a great deal on a printer that does scanning too. I'll save Alistair Darling the trouble of getting my wads of cash to me - he's a busy man these days. I'm a bit worried about the silver strip and watermark and stuff they use to stop counterfeiters but I'm guessing that they won't have much time for such niceties once they get printing in earnest - and they won't mind anyway 'cos I'm only saving them the trouble.

I'm working on my shopping list now. I'm not planning to be greedy and I don't see this as an excuse to forget the planet. But there is a small matter of neglected air miles to collect and, after the rubbish summer we had last year, I think it's only sensible to buy some outdoor heaters. And, lest you think I'm throwing caution to the wind, I'm going to invest in a stainless steel, indestructible wheelbarrow. The garden is in need of some TLC and, if the money splurge leads to galloping inflation, I can cart my cash to the shops and beat the price increases.